DraculaFest: Dracula 3000

I’ll just admit up front, I’m slumming it with this post. I had no doubt what was bound to be in store with this flick, and I watched it anyway. With Casper van Dien and Erica Eleniak fronting the cast, you know what you’re getting. With that out of the way, let’s get through this.

Sort of like a man, only boring.

Sort of like a man, only boring.

Surprisingly, Dracula 3000 (2004) is not a sequel to Dracula 2000 (except in terms of quality). It’s Dracula meets Alien. That’s the premise, and I imagine it was the pitch that got someone a tiny budget to squeeze this out. This is not speculation. In fact, the movie goes out of its way to alert you to its dual influences. Titular vampire aside, Van Dien’s character is a starship captain named Van Helsing, Alexandra Kamp is a crew member named Mina Murry, and the crew discover a derelict spaceship named Demeter that is from the planet Transylvania in the Carpathian System. Heh. Likewise, Van Helsing’s ship is named the Mother III, Eleniak’s character is a surprise cyborg named Ash, and they spend much of the movie running down industrial corridors to get away from a Steadycam operator. See? Dracula meets Alien. Practically writes itself.

Okay, so it’s intentional cornball camp. Is it so much to ask it at least be fun? At first, it seems there might be a glimmer of ironic humor. Then it just goes on too long and loses the plot along the way. And everything blows up, the end. No, really. In keeping with the spirit of 3000, here are some random events that transpire throughout the film. Udo Kier of Blood for Dracula fame slums his way through a series of warning transmissions from the original captain of the Demeter. Coolio becomes a vampire early on and chews much scenery with his plastic fangs. When the puzzled crew ask Ash what a vampire is (!) she solemnly explains, “It’s sort of like a man, only far more evil, if you can imagine that.” Crucifixes have apparently gone extinct as well, and the crew wonders what to with the “plus sign” found on a dead body. Langley Kirkwood‘s Dracula appears very little, and it’s just as well because he resembles Bob from Accounting dressed up for the annual company Halloween party. (I thought maybe, because we’re in space, they’d at least try a different spin on the character. But no, he’s straight out of a Spirit costume store.) Thank god for pool cues, because apparently they are the only items still made from real wood in The Future.

Dirty pool.

Dirty pool.

So yeah. No surprises here. I went in with rock-bottom expectations and still managed some disappointment. Surprise! Both of the Dracula films with 1000’s in the title suck mightily! I sense we’re nearing the end of DraculaFest, if these bitter dregs are any indication of what’s left. It’s a safe bet that any must-see classics lie firmly in the rear-view mirror. I have a few more I want to cover, but at this point we’re staying together for the sake of the kids.

Dracula 3000 earns a dreaded goose egg, 0 out of 2 fangs out. In space no one can hear you snore.

Next time: Back to the boob tube.

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  1. Pingback DraculaFest: Pages from a Virgin’s Diary • Sturm-N-Drang Cafe

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